Thoughts of You

This morning when I was getting ready and I couldn’t decide if I should wear my emerald green coat or the new cape my brother had sent me, I thought of you and even glanced at my phone laying on our bed. Morning routine of sending a quick picture of my   outfit for the day, may seem weird to some people but it is what we did and I miss it. I miss the compliments sent back and the weather updates that came because you had left long before my alarm. The morning of your accident you text when you knew I’d be waking up to tell me I love you, have a good day and that the windshield was icy and it was cold outside. Today I worried about your opinion on a coat that I didn’t even need because it was anything but chilly when I went to get in my car. I thought of you.

Monday is always a busy morning with court that lasts until lunch then usually a “how is your day text?” from you that would lead to a phone call instead of a text reply from me as I drove from the courthouse to my office. Today was my first day back in Family Court and it lasted well past lunch and I looked down at my phone often to see your face on my wallpaper but no text. I looked at it again when I got in my car angry that I couldn’t call to tell you that it was mentally exhausting and I was, by that time, very hungry.

I tried not to cry as people said they were glad to see me and offered encouraging words. Sadness filled my heart for a colleague as we talked during a short break and she told me she was sorry she hadn’t reached out,  how she had been in and out of the hospital with her husband who had been very sick. He is getting better though and I can’t tell you how fast my heart filled with happiness for her when she gave me the good news. Thoughts of you in the hospital flashed through my mind and I could see her sitting like I did, in a chair that you pretend is comfortable because you don’t want to leave the side of your loved one, and then my heart hurt for her and her reality these past few months.

Later, I laughed with your brother when he came to help me this afternoon with a project  at the house. We thought of you as he kept saying “Did Troy do this?” or “you know this is going to be heavy?” and I replied yes every time. Finally I said you know your brother was not going to pay someone to do these things so the answer is always going to be yes and I know it is heavy or complicated because I helped him. Weekend projects were our thing and I miss that as my thoughts reflect back on all that we’ve done in ten years. Our home wasn’t our dream home and we were always looking but I suppose I may live here forever because it is where my thoughts of you resonate most with me. The landscaping you loved to work on, your bourbon bar cart, king size bed, the big tree you planted from a sapling you pulled up in the woods while we were on a walk and bike rides or runs around the neighborhood loop. I suppose some of those things can be moved but I know it wouldn’t feel the same.

My thoughts are never far from you and I don’t know when or if they ever will be. I am in no hurry for them to change, even though after the smiles the tears come. Sometimes I wonder if it ends, if at some point I don’t look at the rooms in this home as empty, I stop checking my phone for texts that are never coming,  the anger from not being able to ask you where you put something that I can’t find or when something needs to be fixed…. my first thought isn’t of you.