We Made It

We made it.

Christmas is over, the gifts and gatherings, the family photos without us together, without you.  Amaya and I went on our first solo trip, a plane and different country, without you. We made it.  I thought getting away would ease some anxiety from our normal family traditions, apparently that is just geography though, the feelings and pain were still there and as real as ever.

We met a nice family from Quebec, their french speaking daughter and Amaya became fast friends. We took pictures for each other to have as souvenirs, smiling when I needed too but laying on a beach chair with an empty one next to me while the kids played on the beach most mornings and one day spent a full day at the water park. Amaya played at the small park at first, like always but eventually got the courage to move up to the big slides with her friend. She froze at the top and after fifteen minutes she made her way down a green and white twisting tube into the pool. Eric, her new friends dad had been at the top encouraging her to go down while his daughter went over and over again. Later that night Amaya said that was when she missed you most.

On Sunday I found a sports bar and we sat down to watch the Browns game. I wore my favorite hat and Amaya wore her Browns shirt featuring the Elf. As I sat there waiting to see highlights and scores a guy walked up and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair next to us and as he sat asked if we were from Cleveland. I explained my husband was from Marion and he started talking about real estate in that area. I said well we are fans of all things Cleveland and The Ohio State. He agreed and I said O-H, of course he responded accordingly and then casually mentioned he played for Ohio State. Amaya and I quickly looked at each other and then as I looked back up the words came out “wait. The Ohio State?”  He nodded and said The Ohio State, and picked up his phone, I thought the conversation was over but then he passed me his phone and showed me himself and his brothers player cards and started talking about who he had played under. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him if he would mind if I took a quick picture to share with your brothers because they wouldn’t believe me if I told them. Every. Single. Day. I pray for something to let me know you are near. This was the first time in a long time I’ve been so excited I didn’t cry. So I sat and watched football side by side until the Browns won and I was satisfied you’d be happy if you were there.

It was hard to see the families getting away for the holiday.  I guess not many people travel just parent and child. Every one asked where is your husband? Only two? No bodyguard? I could see the anxiousness in Amaya’s face, waiting for my reaction each time. Deep breaths as tears filled my eyes and I moved the conversation along.

I face timed and text with family throughout Christmas. They missed you too. I know they were thankful for gifts I had left and that I was able to call.  Not without crying but nonetheless, I made it. Amaya opened a few things in a stocking Christmas morning as we watched the sun rise and then I smiled as I gave her the Carrie Underwood tickets we had ordered back in August, we knew she would be excited from the moment You Can’t Cry Pretty was released, and she was. How ironic that our favorite song of the year would be the most telling of the days ahead?  Mom text often and eventually with a text that read “did you have a good day?” and without me thinking,  I responded: I just have days, but I made it so… I followed that quickly with pictures of Amaya in hopes she wouldn’t worry. I guess the waves of emotions throughout my day don’t let me really classify a day as good or bad.

I could see you on the beach chair with your freckled skin, one arm tucked behind your head and a cold drink in the other. I could see you at the top of the slide sternly telling Amaya she had to go down until she did then the excitement on your face because you knew when she got to the bottom she would go over and over again. I could see you in the sports bar cooly chatting with Justin Gwinn about football and real estate, never showing that you were excited to have that conversation. I could see us with family as we opened gifts and made jokes with each other. I could see you everywhere and yet I couldn’t.

It was hard coming home and I shook my head as I pulled into an empty driveway, knowing this wasn’t like one of my business trips where you’d be waiting for me. Knowing I’d fall asleep alone or with Amaya next to me and never have to move her for you to lay down for the night. I pray I fall asleep quickly each night and that God lets you know how much you are loved, I guess I really want Him to know how much it hurts us that you aren’t here. I pray that throughout my day I’m able to sense your with me and that at night you’ll visit my dreams and they’ll be vivid enough for me to remember when I wake. I don’t wish my time with Amaya or family away but every dawn that comes I’m thankful I’m another day closer to seeing you again…. and that we made it.