Yesterday

I would trade all of my tomorrows for one yesterday. I’ve thought that a million times the past couple months. I miss you so much, I look for you constantly. My head hasn’t convinced my heart you’re never coming back, I suppose. I want to see your hazel eyes and for you to be whole again, making jokes and plans with me.

I feel like I failed you and it is shattering to my soul. I know you’re in a better place, but I suppose I’m selfish and feel like God didn’t trust me enough to take care of you here on earth. I am so sorry.

I went to the MSU game with Joelle and after home to watch the Browns without you, they won and there’s a plausible chance to be a wildcard, it’s crazy huh? I found Todd and Stacy together and drove into town to give high fives, I know you’d be happy rubbing your hands together quickly before clapping with a “woooooo” following. Days that I get out of the house to see family and friends lead to emotional highs and lows following it. I’m overwhelmed with guilt you weren’t there with me and then the sadness breaks my heart. Some days the loss hurts and the other days… it hurts worse.

Christmas is coming and we are leaving this weekend to spend it somewhere else instead of here, without you. Amaya seems happy to go somewhere. She hasn’t asked for much, an ohio state pullover and a tumble mat. She still seems to believe so we put up a cheap 3 foot tree, decorated it with the handmade ornaments we got as a wedding gift so I didn’t have to get in the attic for boxes and Elfie could come back. I panic sometimes because I’m afraid I’ll forget to move it and you aren’t here to move her while getting ready for work, before we wake up.

I miss our life. I miss you. I guess this is my new life, missing you constantly. I try to only think of all the goodness that you brought to us, with that comes regrets and I should haves. I heard you up the morning of your accident, I should’ve gotten up too. I wish I had. I wish I had just one yesterday. When I’m around the ones we love, friends and family, I pray they are holding their love a little tighter. I find myself looking at people hoping one day they don’t have to say “I should have”.