Jealous of Jesus

You’re with the Son of God, with the Prince of Peace, you’re with the one we’re celebrating and that thought amazes me”  – Where You Are, Craig Aven

I want to love that song, I know the people who have sent it or shared it with me want me to love it.  I want to be the person in the song who is so full of hope and joy that you are with Him, but the truth is I haven’t found that kind of solace. I’m so filled with hurt and overwhelmed with sadness at the emptiness that fills our house. Memories flood my mind with every move I make, I am so angry you aren’t here. I can’t bring you back and that has left my spirit broken.

I know I’m not the only one who has ever lost their husband and I don’t want to be bitter as I go down this grief paved road but it feels so dark and long some days. Comfort isn’t found in any words or gifts, so for now I’ll be here hoping throughout each of my days I feel some sense of you.  I pray often for you even though you aren’t here, maybe I’m really praying for myself. I cry when I remember times I should’ve said I’m sorry but you never held me to it. I’m angry when things break and I have to make decisions or learn to fix them without you. I smile at pictures until the tears fill my eyes. My heart is full of so many emotions, but mostly it is filled with jealousy. I’m jealous of Jesus.