I’m Your Biggest Fan

This past weekend, Thanksgiving, well it left me feeling less than thankful. I know I shouldn’t say that but I am just being honest and I doubt anyone who has lost their other half could say any different so soon. I spent all weekend in the house, reading messages from people who have good intentions and looking back through texts. I watched the video of you kissing me when I asked at the hospital. I’ve felt every emotion possible at this point; angry, bitter, sad and all around hurt. I’ve asked why a million times. I am not sure I believe everything happens for a reason, no one could show me the reason behind this tragedy.

I have been told at least a hundred and one times that I will never find someone to love me as much as you did. I KNOW. I know. Maybe that is why my chest physically hurts when my heart beats, maybe thats why with every deep breath I feel nauseated, why I’m devastated.

Yesterday I went to share a photo that was in my memories, not one of us, just me at the gym. I rolled my eyes when I first saw it but then I read the comment from you and the tears came flooding. I know in all of our time you were my biggest supporter. Hell, you were my proof reader, photographer, videographer, and most importantly my biggest fan. I saw that throughout our texts over and over.  In our ten years of marriage we have had a few bumps but mostly ups, ones that far outweighed the lows, this past summer was a struggle but we were wading through the muddy waters and as I reflect on our long weekend away before your accident my heart feels like it has been physically ripped from my chest. This was it, we were still going to be the couple people gagged at or rolled their eyes at, teasing out of jealousy or in awe. I remember screaming that in the car on the way to the hospital that night, after I finally got to a nurse who would only say “sweetie, he needs you to get here, just get here quickly and safely”.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Eventually, I’ll return to my office, to the gym, to our friends and family. For now I sit and talk to you, trying to memorize every detail and crying a lot. Brother Ricky called last night to check in and in our conversation he said that he hadn’t found a person that didn’t tell him how much you loved me, he said that you would want me to be happy because of that love and I quickly replied that you would want me to cry first, and probably a lot for you. He did chuckle at that but it is true, and I am here, crying desperately for you. I hope you feel that and I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you know that I’ll forever be your biggest fan.